I was thinking as I prayed this morning about what I wrote to someone who had shared his concerns about eternal marriage since he feels attraction for men rather than for any girl that he has dated with a real desire to marry according to God's plan. He desired to marry as God expected him to do, but his dates simply did not fill him with the joy that he was hoping to receive. I referred him to my blog post written some 8 years ago in 2014! But this morning I felt as I prayed that I should add some more thoughts.
I love the journey of discovery depicted in Fiddler on the Roof when Tevye and Golda discover that they love each other after years of being in an arranged marriage. I think that there is a really important lesson in this. It suggests to my mind that attraction is not as important in marriage as is commitment, friendship, companionship, love.
I love my neighbour as myself - male and female. What I do know is that I am devoted to my wife of more than 40 years. I chose her after dating many young ladies, without being very affectionate with any one of them, not holding hands, kissing or embracing, but developing and feeling friendship. After many dates I identified some characteristics that appealed to me and some that I rather hoped that my wife would not have!
I slowly came to the realisation that one friend had many characteristics that made me feel really comfortable when I was with her, and that I desired to be in her company whenever she came from medical school in Cape Town where her father lived to visit her mother who lived close to Johannesburg. I lived near Johannesburg and had met her there before she went to study nearly 1500 km (about 900 miles) away. It took me about 5 years, and a cancelled engagement before I realised that my friendship with her was actually something that I would describe as love and that I would really like to have her by my side for eternity.
Whenever I could, I would spend time with Sally. I recall walking in the hills near her home in Krugersdorp and telling her about the cabbage tree Cussonia panniculata, and her thinking there were painted rocks, but that it was actually lichen on the rocks. She went with me on the back of my scooter to play badminton with me, and I remember her holding on to me as we went around corners - I enjoyed that 😉. She went with me to have a fondue dinner with friends before we went to participate in a Spring Sing or something in a ward activity. I drove her to her home before she left to return to Cape Town and I would give her a priesthood blessing for the start of a new academic year. We went ice skating - and we held hands on the ice because neither of us is particularly stable on the ice 😉. During one drive to take her home my old car's radiator hose burst and I had to tape it up, then drive with lots of spray on the windscreen and very frequent stops to refill the radiator. I was once delighted to have her approach me during the interval of a dramatic presentation, I think it was Saturday's Warrior, and it was unexpected and such a joy to see her there.
I would write to Sally twice in the first year and that increased to several times each year and she would write back immediately and make sure that it got in the mail the next morning. She would eagerly look in the mailbox every day hoping for a letter from me. Some of my letters were saddening to her as I talked of going out with other girls, and one particularly hurtful when I became engaged to someone else, the only one to which she did not reply immediately. She so wished for very regular letters that would delight her, but I did not write as often as she hoped and not always as delightful a message as she hoped.
I once asked Sally if she could spare time at the weekend to take a friend around the Cape and when she said that she could, that was put in place. She recalls wondering - very hopefully - when my brother fetched her, if that friend might just be me - and it was 😉. We sat in her old Morris 1100 on Tafelberg Road, looking out over Cape Town in the evening, and the wind whipped the wiper blade off the windscreen and disturbed our special time enjoying each other's company. We dozed off on the rocks of Noordhoek beach and got a bit more sun that we might have intended. I stayed at her home one of the nights and got to meet her father. We had a very brief embrace at the airport before I left to return home and just a few weeks later I asked her father if I could marry her and it was good that I was not a total stranger to him! And so, we prepared so very slowly for the wonderful 40 years that we have been married and eternity that we look ahead to devoted to each other. Our marriage was based more on friendship than on courtship, and I highly recommend that to others. but Sally wishes that there had been a little more affection during our long courtship...
So, I left Johannesburg and moved to the Fairest Cape to marry my Fairest Bride in 1981.
I eventually developed the courage and determination to ask her to go with me to the Temple in Salt Lake City. She reckons that I did not propose to her, or ask her to marry me, but that I simply asked her to go travelling to the Temple with me! I guess I blew it, but she was gracious enough to agree to go with me once I assured her that I wanted her to marry me. She is my best friend, my precious eternal pal and partner.
Heavenly Father has helped Sally and me to have a wonderful marriage despite the abundant challenges of mortality. I know that He will help each and any one of you to have a wonderful marriage according to His plans for you. All we need is a broken heart and a contrite spirit to accept His will for us.
This past week we have read in Come, Follow Me about Abraham and Sarah who were married for decades and desired children, but none came. Then in their nineties they were promised a son with posterity as numerous as the stars in the sky or the sands on the seashore - in other words, one ought not consider trying to number them! Then, in a devastating interview, God challenged Abraham to offer Isaac as a sacrifice in a burnt offering - and possibly Sarah was also involved - and Abraham evidently did not question, argue, debate, or search for reasons to not do such a difficult thing despite the logic that would scream to not do it! This week we are pondering how Abraham arranged a marriage for his son Isaac, so it would not surprise me if Abraham's marriage to Sarai had been an arranged marriage. I was impressed this morning by the talk referenced in Come, Follow Me, given in 2015 by Elder Christofferson. What struck me the most is how the thoughts that I share in this blog are in harmony with what he taught. For example, he quotes “Marriage is more than your love for each other."
To anyone reading these thoughts of mine, whether in a loving and happy marriage, feeling same gender attraction, feeling confused about marriage, being wary of marriage, or whatever, I unreservedly offer a promise of a wonderful heavenly marriage if one looks beyond attraction and tries to keep an eternal perspective on marriage as being more than just a temporal union of two people who love each other, as lovely as that is in and of itself. The Saviour pleaded in John 17 for us to be one, and I suggest that maybe sometimes that includes being one flesh, but always means seeking to have a Zion spirit in our homes. Rather than simply thinking of being attracted to one another, we can focus on home being a bit of heaven on Earth, Zion-like, despite the shortcomings, weaknesses and failings of self and partner.
I am still far from competent in this regard, but I propose that it is important to never let any attraction - to man or woman, sport, politics, entertainment, work, or anything - undermine that focus on home being a bit of heaven on earth. Strive for celestial marriage rather than simply marriage. As you do this, you will find that the most delightful thing that you can ever imagine is to consider being one with each other for eternity because you are one with each other in time. In essence, as Dallin H Oaks said, "Concentrate on [getting to the Celestial Kingdom]. If you get there, all of it will be more wonderful than you can imagine."
I suggest that if I were presently at that stage of life where I was looking for an eternal marriage partner, it would be best for me to offer to God a broken heart and contrite spirit, asking Him what marriage He wants for me rather than insisting that I know what marriage I need and want! Like Abraham might have had all sorts of arguments against the instruction to offer his son as a sacrifice after Abraham had been offered as a sacrifice by his own father, and after Abraham had been promised that Isaac would be the father of innumerable posterity, and that God must therefore wake up and realise the folly of the command that He was giving! I need to not argue, debate, or look for reasons to not follow God's will - those will be so easy to find, especially with Google in 2022! It might even have been a relief to have lived in a culture where one's parents arranged one's marriage! I need to simply have a broken heart and a contrite spirit and follow exactly what the Spirit guides me to do and then walk, as it were, into the water carrying the ark of the covenant and anticipating that the waters will part as they did for the priests in Joshua 3:14 - 17. Wonderful blessings flow as we step forward in faith with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
I felt impressed add more thoughts that you might be interested in reading. See
Very thought-provoking. Thank you. 🙂
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading it :-)
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