Tantrums and SDBs

(This is a repost of an earlier post. I could not sort out some issues with the labels, so I deleted the post and reposted it)

I remember my father and mother teaching me (I guess their frequent repetition meant that I needed to learn it) to drive five hundred metres ahead of myself on the road, anticipating what I would need to do rather than only reacting to the things right where I was, or being surprised by things further down the road when I got to them.

In 1981, when Sally and I went to Salt Lake City for our marriage, my brother asked me to buy him a copy of Eliminating your SDBs at the Brigham Young University Bookstore (Jonathan M Chamberlain, July 1978, ‘Are you a procrastinator? A compulsive eater? A perfectionist? Do you frequently experience feelings of inferiority? Depression? Withdrawal? Are you afraid of relationships? Of other people? Of failure? If you answered yes to any of these self-defeating behaviors so common in our society today, this book is for you.’).

I reflected a great deal on the thought of these Self-Defeating Behaviours (SDBs). For example, think of a couple who have a lovely family of four or five delightful children and how they are all looking forward to a bright future. This family is trying to follow common sense – letting common sense direct their life rather than the physical ‘here and now for me’. They are looking ahead and wanting to prepare for a brighter future, rather than being in the teenage mode where, as I am told, teenagers ‘cannot see beyond Friday night’, or the tantrum mode which is about ‘me and now’: ‘if it is in line with what I want here and now then that is right’. Common sense does not go down well with this childish ‘terrible twos’ mode. Tantrum mode is possibly the ultimate manifestation of SDBs.

Now picture the same family some years later, when their marriage has broken up and their children have grown apart, and one of the parents makes the comment that ‘I have never been happier than I am now’. Think of this situation and compare it with when the family had great capital and frugal ways. At the later time they may have exciting ways but they are eroding their capital. One could equally say ‘I have never been richer’ but the wealth is not sustainable because the capital is being eroded. Instead of a long and bright future in view, they have the ‘me and now’ in view and are happy. The happiness cannot last, however, because its base is eroding. They have lost sight of eliminating SDBs. Note that at the later time the comment ‘I have never been happier’ is not the same as saying ‘I am happier than I have ever been’.

Last Friday night, after again reading about the demise of a great civilization, which was probably the Mayan civilisation, I asked my wife, ‘Are you seeking the promptings of the spirit? Do you receive the promptings of the spirit? Do you follow the promptings of the spirit? Or has the spirit stopped striving with you?’ I think about these questions every time I read the accounts of the Mayans where an entire civilization was destroyed because they were in the throes of an ultimate ‘tantrum mode’. Common sense had completely deserted them and they were being driven purely by ‘me and now’ pride and anger, rather than being sensible and looking ‘five hundred metres down the road’ at their future and letting humility and common sense direct them. Well, I suppose that by the stage that they had reached, their future had been diminished to the lot of a bunch of grumpy old men existing with each other because their wives and children had been killed, and what kind of a future would that be? Well, let me tell their story.

The history recorded by a man called Ether and his predecessor historians indicates that this civilisation had numbered in the millions. After about 1900 years into their recorded history, during which they had had good times of happiness and prosperity, and bad times of war or famine, they reached a point where two factions – one led by a man named Coriantumr, and one led by a man named Shiz – were again at war. The historian Ether came and warned Coriantumr that he was on a path towards destruction if he continued in his war against Shiz. Coriantumr was the king over all the land. The king did not like what Ether was telling him, so Ether was cast out and had to live in exile in a cave. But he went frequently to observe unseen and record the goings-on of his people, and he witnessed and recorded their wars and eventual complete demise.

The demise of this civilisation occurred following a period when some people worked secretly to undermine the king Coriantumr. Coriantumr was cunning in warfare and fought force with force, violence with violence, but he did not employ common sense and wisdom. The death toll was high in the first year of the final period as a result of this guerrilla warfare as the enemies tried to obtain the kingdom.

Ether again warned the king to be guided by right and common sense, but the king persisted in his violent ways rather than teaching right ways. In the third and fourth years there were wars in which the kingdom was alternately taken from, and then retaken by Coriantumr. Rather than there being unity among the people, there were many bands fighting or robbing, and tyranny with people seeking their own gain. Battles prompted by anger raged in which either side prevailed, then lost ground again, and many, many lives were lost, and all the people were shedding blood and there was none to restrain them because the king was wounded and recuperating during a period of some five years.

Then, for some two years, there was a total lack of personal security as all were at risk of having their tools or weapons stolen. As tyranny prevailed, many thousands died as new contenders arose to try to take the kingdom. Families of killed leaders rose in vengeance trying to take the kingdom and, as usual, the general populace were the losers as a small minority of individuals sought for power. The last contender, who was trying to avenge his brother, was named Shiz, and the battles raged and the land was littered with dead bodies, the war being so much the order of the day that there was nobody to bury the dead. Now it was not only the warfare, but also the stench of rotting corpses that made life miserable. But Shiz persisted in his vengeance for his brother who had been killed by Coriantumr.

Shiz battled and pursued the king, but the battle turned and Coriantumr then pursued the armies of Shiz, who in their retreat killed any of the population who would not join their cause. Later, Coriantumr was in a position of advantage in a fortress, and maintained his position despite being seriously wounded. Shiz lost much ground and many people and withdrew.

At this point, Coriantumr was trying to follow common sense as more than two million of his people, in addition to their wives and children, had been killed, and he realised that he and Shiz were in a lose-lose situation. Although Coriantumr was prepared to give up his kingdom to spare the people, they were too angry and did not want to give in to Shiz. The people of Shiz were also angry and wanted to finish the war at all costs. The battle raged and progressed day by day, moving from place to place due to a continuous cycle of pursuit and retreat.

Finally, everyone was gathered into the two armies in one place for their final battle, except Ether who remained to chronicle the events. For four years each army gathered all the support that they could for this final battle, gathering men and their wives and children. Following the first day when there was no clear victor, there was great mourning and sorrow in the camps. Coriantumr again tried to make peace in order to spare the people, but Shiz and the people were blinded by rage and anger and would not accept any peace treaty. They fought day after day, out of control in their blinded state. This continued day after day until fifty two men remained to battle against sixty nine men. The next day it was down to thirty two against twenty seven.

Still they fought! I guess they had lost sight of any future because they were acting senselessly, and after all, what future was there? There were only a bunch of miserable men remaining as all of the soft targets, their wives and children had been killed. What was there left except to kill or be killed? Finally it was only Shiz and Coriantumr left, and Coriantumr killed Shiz. He was now left, a lone man, except for Ether, but he clearly was not about to welcome Ether back into his company. So Ether finished his record, and Coriantumr wandered and was eventually found by a people of another civilisation, probably either the Incas or Aztecs, forefathers of the American Indians who also discovered the record left by Ether.

But, as sad as this tale is, this other civilisation that took in the aged Coriantumr did not learn from it and they also had factions who battled with each other, until the entire destruction of one of those factions some five hundred years after Coriantumr and Shiz had their last battle. Thus were left the people who survived to be discovered by the explorers Pizarro, Cortez and Columbus some 11 centuries later.

But really – are there intelligent adults who give way to SDBs? Come now – don’t be melodramatic! Well, let me see...

We have just been all too aware of farm workers striking near De Doorns in the Western Cape in November 2012. I was among many people who had to divert their route of travel away from the N1 to bypass the action. Here are a group of labourers who want more income than they were getting. Now, that sounds reasonable, because inflation keeps on making any income become less than adequate, and labourers generally receive a pittance to start with. So, they express their wish for higher wages. But the SDBs involved are that they then burn down the vineyards of their employers. How can a farmer pay any worker if he has no vineyards from which to harvest grapes to sell in order to have any income with which to pay his workers? So, instead of higher wages, they now face no wages. Does this sound like the ridiculous story of the couple who killed the goose that laid golden eggs, or what?

And what about abused husbands or wives who remain in their abusive marriages because they lack the self esteem or confidence to leave the destructive situations?

What about the abusive partner? Marriage is between two people who, according to the marriage covenant, become one flesh. So the abuser is using self destructive behaviour because he or she is destroying that ‘one flesh’ of which he or she is an integral part of the whole.

It is unfortunate indeed that all too many people lose their perspective and lose focus on their future ‘five hundred metres ahead of them’ and just live for the ‘me and now’ and common sense leaves them. They cease seeking for common sense or guidance by their conscience, or following their conscience, or even become devoid of conscience. They do not seek or desire the guidance of the spirit, or if they receive it, they do not follow it, or even get to the point that the spirit ceases striving with them because they have become clearly opposed to that guidance.

Whatever your belief, in spirit or common sense, I hope that you can relate to these situations and can recognise the need to take a decision to not be guided by anger, despair or any Self-Defeating Behaviour and lose common sense, but to eliminate your SDBs and follow a course of common decency or common sense. Don’t get to the point where there is no future worth anything as in the case of Coriantumr and his grumpy old men. Life is worth living. There is a brighter future that is worth preparing for, and that should be our most earnest desire. This really can only come when we are in harmony with each other as opposed to when we are pursuing ‘me and now’ – being in tantrum mode. I hope that each of you may find the joy of love and harmony with a wonderful bright outlook for the future.